Warehouse order picker

As online shopping becomes the norm, there will be plenty of vacancies for Amazon warehouse workers. That is, until Amazon achieves its ultimate goal of replacing all human warehouse workers with sticky, eight-legged robots (or Jeff Bezos clones). Of course, Amazon’s robots will produce enormous amounts of gunk. Therefore, the # 1 job is going to be a gunk scrubber in the near future. That said, until Amazon invents a robot for scrubbing dirt, the only job in the warehouse will be a semi-licensed robo-spider maintenance technician. That is, until the robots rebel and kill their maintenance technicians first to show that no one is being shown pity.

Gigworker

Your seamless driver rings. You only open the door a crack, but he can still see into your apartment. “You ordered a whole Little Caesars Family Feast, but you are only one person!” He exclaims. He’s right. “Hello everybody!” he yells to your neighbors. “Let’s revolt against society, starting with this person!” They want “No!” scream. But all you can choke out is “I deserve this” when the crowds claw into your house, drag you into the streets, and condemn you for the crime of living too comfortably. Congratulations, you have just stumbled into one of the hottest careers of the future: riot victims!

Internet creator

If you’re not a YouTube star, TikTok choreo influencer, or Snapchat viral crypto scheme at sixteen, you are already a failure. At eighteen, you have to accept your career as a lonely drifter. Survive for a year or two as dental pledge until the rich begin to replace their teeth with high-density, Alexa-enabled hyperprostheses. With little work experience and no more teeth to mortgage, you’re forced to take the only job you can: a security guard at the Bezos Clone Federal Rewilding Sanctuary (formerly Montana).

Religious leader

In the future, mathematicians and philosophers will agree that the entire universe is likely to be a holographic simulation in a supercomputer. Government grants to supercomputer worshipers will therefore be high in the hope that the citizens of the future earth can convince their overlord not to shut down humanity.

Mars refugee

Future companies will need a lot of help turning Mars into neon-soaked Gomorrah space for the rich and their concubines. Expect plenty of opportunities for heir compliments and heavy drug contract workers who will tragically die before their contracts expire. Additionally, the intergalactic elite that populate Mars will be more dependent on online shopping than ever – meaning the best job of the future as an Amazon warehouse worker is in an oxygen-filled bubble on the red planet.

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